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Modern art can be identified by people's reactions to it. Some of the most common reactions are, "Hey, I could've done that," "What is that?!" and, "I don't get it." Modern art ranges from the commonplace, to the truly disturbing, to the only-identified-as-art-because-of-the-plaque-near-it. It almost seems as if artists have taken advantage of their artistic license to proclaim items the Salvation Army rejected as the next Mona Lisa. It’s at the point where if you see a black rectangle on the wall in a modern art museum, you don’t know if the work is missing or if the black rectangle is the work.
Of course, the idea of modern art does have its advantages, especially for the artists, or more specifically, the lazy ones. Accidentally punched a hole in your canvas? Sell it as modern art. Glued some staples and paperclips together during your lunch break? Sell it as modern art. Painted your canvas white and feel unwilling to add another color because it would "debase the purity of the whiteness?" Sell it as modern art!
There are far too many rich people out there with far too much money. Selling modern art is the only proper way to redistribute money from the gullible millionaires and billionaires to the brilliant yet starving ar-teeeeests.
The first thing to do is to come up with a name. It must be unusual, so you don’t end up using the name of another band (which is hard because so many bands have nonsensical names), but it also must make absolutely no sense, even to you. Try putting two random words together, perhaps a verb or a noun or an adjective and a noun, or maybe even make up a word. You can also simply use "The" plus a noun or verb.
Next, you must advertise for the following people.
The Drummer*
Must have aversion to wearing shirts and long pants. Caucasian. Tattoos mandatory. Not too good-looking or strong personality because will take attention away from the front man. Must grimace when playing drums. Preferably a bit on the skinny side with semi-defined muscles. Is obnoxious. Likes loud things and hitting things.
Bassist*
Must be sullen and dark-haired. Must always look serious when playing bass. Outrageous hat and/or unusual clothes. Doesn’t move around too much on stage. Air of mystery and slight contempt necessary.
On September 1, 2006, at 9 A.M., the Gator Nation invaded Poland, astonishing government leaders around the world, especially Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, the Prime Minister of Poland. Bernie Machen, President of the University of Florida, insisted that the Polish attacked UF first, although many think the invasion was part of his plan to make the University of Florida a top ten public university as ranked by U.S. News and World Reports.
While tensions had been mounting as the Gator Nation’s population and its desire for fame and academic heft increased, none expected such sudden hostility and flagrant disregard of other countries’ boundaries so soon.
Bernie Machen, the head of the Gator Nation, gave the only explanation: “We have an expanding student population. We must expand our land and resources accordingly. Not many universities can claim they own a country. I think that gives us a big advantage over other top public universities and Ivy League schools.”
NEW YORK, NY - After three years of terrorizing New York City, the serial murder known only as the “Blockhead Killer” was finally caught. The police arrested Lucy van Pelt, 28, yesterday at her advice booth in the Bronx.
The “Blockhead Killer” murders started in 2002 with Bill Glasby. Since then there have been seven more murders, the most recent being the late Will Lansbury. All of her victims were balding men with huge heads who had male dogs. She was especially heinous to those who had one hair sticking up near the brow of their head, possessed a Beagle, or had a penchant for yellow t-shirts with jagged black patterns and black-shorts. The victims were generally on antidepressants, single, and lonely.
All eight victims’ backs were broken, but they died from head trauma. Even stranger, the male dogs were sexually abused (however that’s possible). The words, “Blockhead” or “You Stupid Beagle,” were spray painted at the scenes of the crimes. The only evidence was a couple of long, black hairs that the police have matched to Lucy.