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GOTHAM, NEW YORK - Nancy Willis was saved from a Detroit gang by a guy wearing a “batsuit.” Ya, he was dressed like a bat. Willis reported that he rappelled down a skyscraper, glided down on wings attached to his suit, landed, and confronted her attackers. While all seven of them had guns (and one had a machine gun), the man in the batsuit beat the heck out of all seven of them before they got a single shot off. He was friggin’ awesome.
Willis described him as being “very buff, with pointy ear-like things that stood straight up, boots, a complicated-looking belt, and a mask.” She added, “Oh, and he was wearing a kinda gay cape.”
The BEST POP SONG EVER was written yesterday when a seventh grader sat down and composed something to his girlfriend on some cafeteria napkins. “It was pure inspiration,” the kid said. “I put in so much effort into it that now I don’t want to give it to her. She definitely does not deserve this song. I have plans to sell the lyrics to Britney Spears or maybe N’Sync, but I like Britney Spears better. N’Sync is gay. We’re talking ten, maybe twenty grand here.” Lou Pearlman, creator of the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, stated, “I’ve never seen such a combination of sappy lyrics and one-syllable rhyming words. It is completely devoid of intelligent thought or original content. It’s one of those songs the devil would put on repeat in hell to torture the grief-stricken, anguished souls of the cursed and will be an embarrassment to the nation a decade or so later. I love it.”
WARNING: HAZARDOUS TO THE HEALTH OF ANYONE ABOVE THE AGE OF 17.
[Editor’s note: I’m not kidding. It’s really, really bad.]
I love you, honeypoo.
Don’t you love me, too?
No one loves you the way I do
.
When you’re away I’m blue-ooh-ooh.
Boohoo.
You’re breaking my heart.
You’re tearing me apart.
If only this were real,
And you felt the way I feel.
You’re so fine.
Don’t you love me?
One day I’m going to make you mine.
We were made to be.
Don’t make me whine.
On September 1, 2006, at 9 A.M., the Gator Nation invaded Poland, astonishing government leaders around the world, especially Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, the Prime Minister of Poland. Bernie Machen, President of the University of Florida, insisted that the Polish attacked UF first, although many think the invasion was part of his plan to make the University of Florida a top ten public university as ranked by U.S. News and World Reports.
Here at www.digesting49.com we are starting a new series that will be brought up once in every great while when we have not one single clue what to write about or who to make fun of. Whenever something like this happens we take the easy way out--make fun of the 80s. There is just so much to rip apart, laugh at, and learn from, lest our children forget and our society falls back into the dark age of big hair, acid wash jeans, and wearing sunglasses at night.
The first subject of discussion is Journey. Journey, you’ll remember, had their big hit “Don’t Stop Believing” in 1981, which propelled an already big name band even further into rock history. The voice of Steve Perry, accompanied with the thumping bass of quintessential-porn-star-looking-‘70s-guy Ross Valory, and the competent drumming of Steve Smith (and 2 other guys) were selling out arenas and topping the record charts. 1983 brought more fame with the song “Separate Ways,” and finally the band had attained “greatness” according to Rolling Stone magazine. Journey can still be heard on the radio today and is well known around the world. But they have a deep, dark secret…
While “Separate Ways” peaked at #8 on the Billboard Top 40 charts in 1983, something was happening to the music landscape. That “something” was called MusicTV, or MTV, which showed “music videos” (something they don’t do anymore… however there are plenty of shows on dating people’s moms). Journey was not to be left out of the publicity-fest. So they made their first music video, featuring “Separate Ways.” It turned out to be one of the best music videos of all time. And by best, I mean 80’s-like best. And by 80’s-like, I mean shitty. So so shitty.
With me as your guide, I will walk you through the gem that is the “Separate Ways” video found via the magic of YouTube.
Go here and watch while reading: Separate Ways Music Video.
After three seasons of giving nothing but encouraging advice and compliments to contestants on American Idol, Fox has given Paula Abdul an ultimatum: make a negative statement each show or you’re out. The producer personally advised Paula to “bring out the bitchy diva within you. We know you have it.”
After polling viewers about what Fox could do to make the show more interesting, the overwhelming response was “make Paula Abdul less nice” and “have Paula sleep with more contestants because not only is it wonderful fodder for juicy gossip, but we love reasons to criticize celebrities because their lives are so much better than ours.” Fox chose to ignore the latter statement but did pass out Paula’s cell phone number to the male contestants deemed suitably creepy.
You can’t deny the allure that if you, a regular human being, can answer 10 questions, spell the secret word, eat the cow testicles in under two minutes, or not punch Regis directly in the mouth, you could win a whole lot of money, a cheaply made catamaran, or even better, an invitation to the Tournament of Champions.
Don’t lie. You watch game shows. Maybe not anymore, but you used to. Game shows are everywhere. Remember, even those dumbass reality shows are game shows, too. We even have the “Game Show Network.” In fact, you probably even yelled at the TV when you knew the answer.
I would qualify as a game show junkie. If a game show comes on TV, I will stop whatever it is I’m doing and begin yelling frantically at the screen to help the people in their quest to win the grand prize. There is only one thing better than a good game show: a game show with celebrities. Especially bad celebrities. There’s nothing like watching C-list celebrities try to use the one thing that they didn’t use in their meteoric rise to mediocrity--their brain. But I honestly loved yelling at the screen to help Jim, a 4th grade teacher from Biloxi, Mississippi, win a Samsonite Luggage package back in 1994.