divine impartiality

Divine Impartiality

[eric anderson]

After thousands of years of God performing miracles, decreeing laws for mankind and watching over humanity, I have finally concluded that His impartiality should be met with skepticism. I have always believed that as long as you are pure of heart and well-intentioned, then God will have your back. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Isaiah 40:31 says, “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Finally, Psalm 37:4 reads “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” All this presents a pretty convincing case that, regardless of your race, gender or geographic location, God will scratch your back if you scratch His (theologically speaking). However recent events have suggested otherwise, and they come from the scene where his name is most frequently invoked. Of course, I am referring to the world of professional sports. You can’t go five minutes on Sportscenter without hearing a pro-football player thank God for his recent performance, a pro golfer thank God for help in making a putt, or a pro basketball player thank God for help in his most recent acquittal. With all these athletes asking God for help before, during and after games I have realized there must be some conflicts of interest. After analyzing the history of professional sports in our country, I have deciphered the rooting interests of our Lord and Savior. I’ll give you a hint; He is not a Lions fan.

To begin, I had to determine what God would look for in a sports team. God wouldn’t want an overly arrogant or egotistical team. Psalm 12:3 reads “The Lord shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things.” Chad Ochocinco wouldn’t last a second around this guy! To continue, the Second Commandment instructs that no one should take the Lord’s name in vain. While the Saints, Angels and Padres don’t directly insult the almighty, they’re close enough to get the boot. All Canadian teams have been nixed because, well, they’re Canadian. Other teams were removed for reasons like insulting Native American Tribes (Redskins, Indians), glorifying blasphemous characters (Devils, Pirates, Raiders), or promoting ignorance (the Ohio State Buckeyes, the entirety of Nascar). A chief indicator of favor tended to be teams that had suffered epic streaks of suckage, only to enjoy miraculous turnarounds. Think about it; in the Bible, anyone God likes is shafted in epic fashion. Jon, Abraham, the Jews, the lists go on and on. Once I came to this realization, finding His favorite team was easy.

Since the “finding favor with God=getting the shaft” theory was solidified, I moved on to which teams or cities fit the mold, and only one came to mind: Boston, Massachusetts. Think about it, Boston sports teams have sucked so tremendously for so long, and are only now starting to come around. The Red Sox suffered so much pain over such a long stretch of time, only to sneak into the ’04 playoffs as a wildcard, complete a comeback after being down three games over the hated Yankees, and win their first championship in 86 years. Meanwhile the Patriots emerged from mediocrity with a sixth round draft pick who turns out to be the best quarterback EVER. He’s from the sixth round! That means not only did every team pass on drafting him, they passed on him SIX TIMES! Three Super Bowl Championships later, they look like they have died and gone to Heaven. The Celtics are no different; they get blessed with the greatest white basketball player since Jesus himself, fall into obscurity, then miraculously rise from the grave by acquiring Garnett, Pierce, and Allen (the new Holy Trinity). Even the Bruins got good! All of these sports franchises, despite their good efforts, endured epic days of disappointment before ascending to high five the hand of God.

Now that I have established that God loves Boston, I hope that explains some things (beautiful New England foliage, the existence of George Steinbrenner, and our manifest destiny to hate anything Canadian). I hope we can all take solace in the fact that, while the Sox, Pats, Celts, and Bruins will be getting a heavy dose of divine intervention, it is only a matter of time before God brings them back down to earth with some bad bounces, untimely errors or a plague of locusts.

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