iChristian

Apple's Latest: The iChristian

[ben hertel]

We revolutionized the way you looked at the personal computer. We changed the face of MP3 players as you know them. And now, Apple delivers its latest product, forever shifting the way you communicate with a Higher Power. Finally, you can have that Apple of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Introducing the iChristian.

Don’t you hate it when you feel like you’re talking to thin air when praying to God? Well, you should, because there’s an app for that. With the Pray function, you simply speak your deepest regrets and wishes into the iChristian, and it will answer you with one of eight different responses. Yes, it’s similar to a Magic Eight Ball, but hey, so is prayer.

How about those pesky differences in opinions that people hold regarding religion? Imagine this. You decide to conjure up some hi-larious graffiti slurring the Q’uran, and your next-door neighbor, who just so happens to be a Muslim, gets a little upset. Problem? Not anymore. Simply aim the iChristian at the contrary fellow and press the Crusade button. We’re not legally allowed to say what happens, but trust us, you’ll win the argument.

We at Apple recognize the frustrations of having to attend a church service every friggin’ Sunday, so we thought of an innovative way to help you out. With Legalism, you simply sign-in every Sunday, and then go on about your daily life. You’ll feel properly validated for doing something proactive towards your religious life, without having to go through the tedious business of sitting through a sermon or belonging to a community.

iTunes is still there, but we’ve made it even better. In the “I’m Going to Heaven” mode, no songs will be allowed in your music library that aren’t allowed at Bob Jones University or Hope College. There is also a helpful guide to non-devil-worship style dance, including the pained-look-in-face-as-I-raise-my-hand-in-the-air or the thrash-around-wildly-in-a-semi-seizure-as-I-blabber-in tongues.

Speaking of “speaking”, we have realized the difficulties of translating the speaking of tongues. You might wonder “Is this person actually having a religious breakthrough, or is he just really drunk on a Sunday morning?”. Well, ponder no more, for Apple hath provided. With our Tower of Babble software, you can record these rantings, and the IChristian will provide a helpful translation. Go forth and weed out the blasphemy!

Who doesn’t hate the pains of having to page through endless sections of Scripture to justify why other people are immoral sinners deserving of the eternal fire of Hell? We at Apple certainly do, so we came up with a little something to help you out. The new Condemn app is a quick and helpful way to bring up any verse you might need to prove to your homosexual neighbor that God does indeed view his shameful life choice as a sin. Don’t like those punk kids who hang out on your block and call you names? Let ‘em have it with a quick verse from Leviticus. Do you hate it when someone cuts you off in traffic? Well, we’re not sure if the Bible says anything specifically about that, but you can generally stretch some Old Testament verse enough to yell it out the window and smite them. If anyone needs to be told how to live, it’s now in your hands.

We left in the ability to access YouTube at anytime so you can access online addresses from your favorite religious leaders, like Billy Graham, Rick Warren, or Bono. Also, there are some pretty awesome cat videos on there that you should check out.

In traditional Apple style, we’re offering the iChristian in a variety of divine colors, ranging from the standard St. Peter’s Robe white to Virgin Madonna blue, Mary Magdalene red, and colorful Noah’s Rainbow (note: Apple and the iChristian DO NOT endorse homosexuality through this color arrangement).

Apple. We’re taking over for God.

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