Site updated whimsically.

Issue #: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

Article Index | Index by Author Other Comedy Sites Origins of Site Name A Blog Store

An Interview with David Peterson of the Crab Apples

As I stepped out of my New York apartment and the wind hit my face, I wondered what my meeting with David Peterson would be like and if he would like the chocolate chip cookies I had baked for him. For the ignorant masses, David Peterson is the lead singer of the Crab Apples, which, despite the name, harkens back to 70s Brazilian psych-folk. ( There’s also a little bit of hip and a little bit of hop, but hip hop is nowhere in sight.) They sound like the Stones meets MGMT meets Ke$ha, and there are 27 people in the band on a rotational basis. And like most music, the music speaks for itself. It says, “Listen to me. I sound really good!”

I meet him at his place, and his usually aloof demeanor dissipates into a great big smile and warm handshake, followed by an uncomfortably long hug. I eye-rape him and see that he is unshaven and wearing leather boots, his right forefinger is home to a ring bearing the insignia of Captain Planet. His alpaca sweater is a testament to his heartfelt support of non-nylon fibers. (Peterson doesn’t care for synthetic materials. The coating on his electric guitar cable is actually corn husks and chicken feathers rubber-banded to the cables.) On his left cheek is a freckle so tiny one can only see it if one awkwardly stands above him and shines a bright light over a magnifying glass. He has many other freckles that are much more visible. His shirt lapel is off-kilter, at a 46 degree angle. His left knee jitters up and down in his Star 5 jeans, a brand so rare that he is wearing the only remaining pair, and no one knows about the brand except for him. His argyle socks are pulled up to his knees.

Obiwan: You can lift the rock, Luke. You can do it.

Luke: Why do you need me to pick up the rock, Obiwan?

Obiwan: I don’t need you to. You need you to. It’s part of your training.

Luke: Uh…okay… (Luke picks up the rock with his hand.)

Obiwan: No no no. Use the Force, Luke. Use the Force.

Luke: Sorry Ben. I am not going to close my eyes, put out my hand, and feel like a complete douchebag when the stone doesn’t move.

Obiwan: I promise you, Luke. It will work as long as you use the Force.

Luke: (tries…nothing happens…grimaces)

Obiwan: A ha ha! I knew you’d look constipated!

Luke: (walks off)

Obiwan: Luke! Luke! I was only joking!

Look. I know it's a little late in the game to address this issue, but the fact is that it still pisses me off. The only reason I'm addressing it at all is because no one seems to give a fuck that Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire is the worst film title in the history of cinema.

MORE »

Alcoholic Beverage Reviews

Born and bred in Arkansas, this fine white wine has the tint of old white paint, which may also be described as the light beige of a toilet rim stain. If you let it breathe a little, this wine tastes of gasoline and white car paint. The nuanced taste indicates the grapes traveled 55.6 miles per hour in a white Ford pick-up truck with furry green floor mats and a Hawaiian ukulele-playing dashboard ornament before reaching the distillery.

MORE »

The Harrowing Tale of the Unknowing Simulacrum

At the start, an existential dilemma smacked me in the face. What do I do? I didn’t know if I had a purpose, and yet, I felt time passing. Not just passing, but running out; counting down to my certain death. I had to act. My only option was to move forward, so that’s exactly what I did. I determined that I would act according to whatever happened to come my way.

It wasn’t long before I realized that something was amiss. The ruins of some ancient castle, as far as I could tell, actually hovered before me. Hovered! I walked under pieces of it, and I can assure you that there was absolutely nothing visible keeping the scattered bricks afloat. When I jumped up to touch one of the bricks, it instantly shattered.